GRE

I'm sitting here writing wishing I could sleep.  Tomorrow I take my GRE test and I'm sure I'll not do well.  As I look back through my life, I feel like I've become less smart and more complacent.  I don't fight for things like I used to, I am always in a self pity mode.  I found out last night my friend Stew got married.  I'm angry about it, not exactly sure why but I am.

I have these thoughts that I am not a worthwhile person.  The only people who have EVER shown me unconditional love are Kodi and Konner; and that will change when they get older.  They'll decide I was a terrible mother somehow, I didn't give them enough of something.  They've already made the comment that if Tom and I divorce, they will have to find a new mother.

I look back at the romantic relationships in my life and none of them have been satisfying.  These men have left me for someone else and have never looked back.  Why is it that I am always the one looking back, why can't I look forward?  I always feel like I've missed something.

Tom has changed somewhat but why couldn't he have loved me back then?  He tells me it's because how I treated P.J. and Alex.  Now that I am treating Kodi and Konner like he would have wanted me to treat the other two, he's wanting to spend more time with me.  I am so confused.  Is he going to love me temporarily?  Will I be able to fall back in love with him?  These are all answers that only time will be able to answer. 

Well, tomorrow is the GRE and I am sure to not do well.  I am depressed but I will have to put on a smiley face and move on I guess.  I'll apply for the program next year, this year just doesn't feel right.  I feel like I'm being pushed rather than I want it at this point.  I need more time to do a quality package and not a half ass package like I'm doing now.

Yep, the title of this blog is random thoughts and now you know why.